Pooping in China

Oh boy, I'll bet you're thinking.  Today we get to talk about poo.  You can imagine we're probably going to get a bit... biological..., so if that kind of stuff offends you, please run to safety.  There may even be some ugly visual details in one of the pictures, so if you're eating chocolate pudding or some nutty fudge, please consider stopping before reading on.

But I'm not kidding, questions about the bathrooms are the most numerous I get asked about the trip to China.  More specifically, I get asked, "So... Did you use one of them squat toilets?"

First, I have to talk about what a squat toilet is.  I sure didn't know, and when I found out, I'm pretty sure I didn't think such a thing would exist in a modern society.  Almost like that would be the definition of "modern society" implicitly.

Restrooms in China are decidedly and deucedly different from the ones anywhere else I've ever been.  Sure, I've only ever been to North America and Europe before, but that's enough places to figure that the design of the toilet is pretty much a world standard.  This is not what you get in China, and it doesn't end in squat toilets.

Squat Toilets

Ok, so for those not in the know, a squat toilet is a little porcelain hole in the floor flush to the ground (oh, I don't even know if that pun was intended).  Beside the hole in the ground, along each side, are often obvious little non-skid pads on which to place your feet.  Anyone that would typically use a toilet in the sitting position would instead place a foot on each non-skid pad and then pop a squat, hovering over the hole and doing your business.  Or as women tend to know this move, "the rock concert".

And so I don't suspend the punch line too long - no, I didn't use one.  I didn't avoid them, per se.  Whenever the urge was there, the squat toilet was not my only option.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel pretty lucky about that.  I didn't have to worry about testing my squatting prowess.  Given that I wasn't in particularly great shape during the trip, I'm not sure my thighs would have held out.  I can only imagine the embarrassment of toppling over in the stall while trying to do your business, and the idea of rolling onto the floor in a Chinese bathroom makes me mentally retch a bit.

Also, I'm not sure if I got to talk with this about the folks that were with us that did have to squatpop.  If any of you are reading this, are you supposed to remove your pants?  I would guess not, since you'd have to remove your shoes to do that, and I can't imagine standing barefoot on those little pads or the bare stall floor.

But if you don't take off your pants, then aim becomes more important.  I would have worried about aim while butt-naked, but with clothing as potential splash damage, I would probably freak out.  I mean, I know that we're talking about point-blank range here, but visibility isn't very good, at least for a fella my size.

Yup.  That's it.  That's a toilet.  Way down there by the floor.  Oh, and the paper doesn't go down.  It goes in the little bin.  That probably made the whole experience even worse for me.

"Why is there a picture of a microscope on this stall door," I asked.  Oh wait, that's a little guy pooping.  Well, at least they got the number right...

Note, I think squatting is supposed to be better for you.  Something about the alignment of the rectum if I recall correctly.  In fact, check this article.  What nice little cartoon images!

Toilet Paper

I think it may have been Johnnie that first told me about this, but public toilets in China do not universally provide toilet paper.  This... I couldn't even imagine.  I mean, really, what if you're out and about with an emergency, and you have nothing.  What if no stranger can spare a square?  Or doesn't understand your language?  Squat down, do your biz, and walk away?

In China, it's apparently BYOTP.  No shit.  Literally.  BYOTP or no shit.  That or make sure you have plenty of oxi-clean with bleach at home.  Maybe this is why there are so many Chinese laundromats?

So it's not ubiquitous, no.  You do have to carry some in case of "emergencies", and it's not like you see a lot of Taco Bell restaurants there.  Maybe that's why.  To minimize emergencies...

Further, even if you do remember to bring your own paper, you can't flush it.  I don't know why exactly, but in each little stall there's a little garbage can where you dispose of the toxic discards.  See the picture above, and you'll see what I mean.

So I guess that's why the public toilets smelled so bad.

Now some bathrooms were monogenderous, but some had a little mixigenderous vestibule prior to branching off to two separate areas.  This little antechamber generally had a few sinks and in a rare occasion, a big roll of communal toilet paper that you could grab from.

This idea of a communal toilet paper seemed, in general, to beat the idea of not having to carry your own, but I got to thinking.  What if you grabbed too little?  I don't know about anyone else, but I never seem to know exactly how much I'm going to need in a given two-session.

The whole thing just made me paranoid.  Maybe that's why I didn't have to use the squatters.  Maybe the Duke was scared.  Maybe the Duke was hiding.

Toddlers Learning to Poop

This really doesn't fit anywhere else in any of the other stories, but since it is relevant to pooping, I'll relay it here.  In China, we saw a number of toddlers walking around in what looked to be assless chaps.  They were pants that had no crotch in them, and it's my understanding that they're used to toilet train kids. I think this is the same school of philosophy that Nicole once suggested we use for Gamble, where we let him wander around in the backyard naked until he let loose, so that we could help him identify that feeling.  If we did that, I don't recall.

Anyway, I didn't see them often, but Nicole spotted them a couple times.  I think she actually saw once where they were "in use", as in, the kid started to throw a deuce and mom scooped him up and held him over the bushes.  I know we saw a kid wearing them in the Suzhou marketplace too!

If you can't imagine what these look like I found this article.  Needless to say, when these pants were in use, I wasn't rushing over there with a camera...

Conclusions

Either way, I can say that while I'm generally pretty happy to be a man, with all its privileges, I was even happier while in China.  Standing to pee rules.

I am not sure if this was temporary storage or just a urinal "out of order" sign.

I was also pretty happy to be a tourist.  The hotels we stayed in on our tour were kinda fancy, and that means that they all had regular western toilets and regular western toilet paper rolls right there in the stall. And that made for a happy chappy.

Pooping in China is an adventure in itself.