Something to Think About - More Communication Antipatterns

A while ago I wrote about a phrase that offends me deeply, the single word "just".  You can read about it there, but I came upon another phrase that really bothers me.  I've heard this type of conversation killer categorized into something called communication antipatterns.  That means, a pattern of speech people get into by habit, but are otherwise destructive.

"Think about that" or just "think about" are two versions of the same thing. I hear it all the time when discussing things with folks at work.  I've worked with people who would not only say this out loud without realizing it, but one former colleague would use it repetitively.  It was almost assuredly a nervous tic.  After almost any point he made, he'd hold out his hands and repeat, "Think about that!  Think about that!"

Insisting that someone "think about it" indicates to a listener that you believe that you have figured out some answer, that it is relatively obvious and requires few leaps of logic, and that if they simply pause and reflect on what you've said you will come to the same conclusion they did.  It implies to them that you've given it much more thought than they have, and that if they don't agree with you, thinking about the problem will bring them to your brilliant conclusion.

Here's a few problems I see with this phrasing:

• The listener could feel as if they've thought about it a great deal, and they may have credible, serious counterarguments that you've just demonstrated you're not willing to hear by telling him that you've thought through all the angles.  Maybe it's you who haven't "thought about it".
• You're being lazy in your argument.  If you say "think about it," you're trying to convince someone of something.  Don't take the shortcut.  That's how you get miscommunication.  If you have a good argument, spell it out.  It gives the listener a chance to disagree with your premises one at a time, without insulting them, and also may lay out something the listener hadn't thought of, possibly because of a legitimately unknown item.
• You might be implying that the listener, even after having laid out all the facts, is incapable of putting things together.  That may be true, or you may not know what they know, but it is insulting either way.

"Again..."  Oooh, this is one I'm guilty of saying all the time, and I'm trying to break this habit.  If you call me on it, I might swear bitterly under my breath, but I'd be grateful for the help stamping out this offensive speech pattern.

This one implies that the recipient of the phrase is no smarter than a toddler who didn't hear you the first time.  It's not as offensive as some of these other ones, because it's often an acknowledgement that you know you're repeating yourself, but there's an implication that goes with it that's no fun.

Sometimes I use this even if I’m not reiterating a point.  That’s a horrible mistake to make because it makes the listener feel as if they have missed something, even if they haven’t.  Worse, it might imply that there’s a significant issue

"The smart thing to do would be...” – Oh my, I just heard this one last week.  If I had to specify one phrase that I think tore down more work relationships than any other and that contributed to significant team siloing, it would be this one.  There is no more directly backhanded way to deliver the message that the recipient is not smart.  This boils down to nothing more than “I’m talking to you and trying to present a solution.  It differs from yours, but if you were smart, you’d do this.”

No kidding, I’ve seen this one conversational antipattern delay and ultimately torpedo a multi-million dollar, multi-year effort because one key architect continually said this to one key IT project lead.  In talking to the lead, he said something to the effect of, “If that guy calls me stupid one more time…”

We’re all knowledge workers here, so our intrinsic value is in at least part derived from out intelligence and the solutions it generates.  These conversational antipatterns really tweak the heart of that.  It’s name-calling.  Subtle, but still name-calling.

And when was the last time you heard “Well, you’re a doodie-head!” in a meeting?  Good, then stop saying these things, too.

Again, the smart thing to do would be to think about that.

Dammit.